FINE

Intro

It’s kind of hard for me to remember

Exactly how I felt back then

‘Cause what was fire is barely an ember now

It hasn’t yet become regret so Imma get this baby blazin’ again

***

I first sketched out a version of this song back in late 2011 but forgot the words and lost the book I wrote them in.

When I returned to my singer/songwriter roots in 2018, all I had was the chord progression, the chorus and one line from the last verse that I wasn’t willing to let go of (“But what is life if you never take chances?”).

So when I was finishing off this mixtape (‘L89’) at the start of 2019, I decided to reconstruct a new version of ‘Fine’ around those few remaining fragments and made it about the only plot point that was missing from the story I was trying to tell through my songs: the person I thought I would one day marry gets engaged to and marries someone else.

The only problem was that so much time had passed, and I had emotionally moved so far beyond the point I was trying to write about that I couldn’t connect with the things I felt when SG dropped the bombshell back in 2016.

I then thought “Isn’t it strange how things change with time? I was once absolutely crazy about this girl; head over heels in love. The spark between us quickly became a roaring fire, and it blazed for years! But now I have to write a song about her getting married and I barely feel anything at all. No rage, no regret, no loss, no sadness, nothing!"

This was a problem with only one solution: I’d have to somehow get my head back in the “smitten” mentality, dig up those old memories from the depths in which I’d buried them and stir up the feelings to fuel the song.

***

Verse 1

Heart skipped a beat the moment I met you

Our future flashed before my eyes

A quiet street, house, kids and a pet too

I knew the deal and I could feel to make it real I had to capitalise

***

I think these lyrics pretty much speak for themselves, but Imma go ahead and give you a little more context around how + why they were written because that’s what I do.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I sat down to write ‘Fine’ about events that occurred a couple years earlier but I’d emotionally moved a long way past that point so it was hard to reconnect with how absolutely gutted I felt to learn that the girl I once thought I was going marry was actually going to take the hand of someone else.

I knew I couldn’t write the song unless it was coming from a “real” place. I couldn’t write words that I no longer meant. So I decided to scroll back through our old FB conversation and try to get a sense of just how felt at the time. It wasn’t long before it all came flooding back…

I remembered the night we met: how the mere sight of SG arrested me like a deer in the headlights (line 1), how she swept me off my feet and in a love sick daze I began to see visions of an entire life with this mysterious girl who I’d only just met. (Lines 2 and 3)

It was crazy. Like nothing I’d ever felt. From very early on I genuinely believed she was "the one". That scared me to death, but she was only going to be in Australia for a very limited time so I knew I had to get over the fear if I was going to convert my daydream into reality. (last line)

Also, in the context of the song, I felt that this was all pretty important information to highlight before dropping the “Oh shit, look, now you’ve gone and got married” bombshell. Thus, it became the first verse.

***

Chorus

'Cause I’m blind and you're fine

Do whatever that you please

But can’t you make some room for me

'Cause in time, you’ll find

I was right and you were wrong

Don’t fight it all along we were fine

***

Again, as I've said previously, the chorus of ‘Fine’ is one of the only surviving parts of a much earlier version I wrote in late 2011 but forgot the words to and lost the book I wrote them in.

I could have made something completely new, but I’d grown attached to it over the years and was determined to make it work.

In both the old and current versions of the first line of the chorus refers to the fact that I was and still am literally legally blind in my left eye (long story, another time), and was also metaphorically blind to the faults of the girl the song is about / to (Sidebar Girl - SG).

The “fine" in the first line is meant in the way that some delinquent would say to his crush before he’s figured out how to properly communicate with the opposite sex e.g. “dayyyyyum gurl u fine”… and, let me tell you, SG was indeed, very fine.

Allow me to set up lines 2-6… If you’ve been bothered to read this then you probably know but just in case you don't SG is the person all 9 songs on this mixtape are about. I met and fell head over heels for her while she was in Sydney on the Australian leg of a round-the-world adventure in 2010. After an incredible few weeks together — during which I became convinced that she was “the one” — she flew back home to the UK and my heart went with her. We kept in touch by writing these insanely long emails back and forth for months and months. I tried my best to keep the flame alight and keep her believing in us. Despite my best efforts, eventually the bad news came that she had another boyfriend. She’d moved on but I wasn’t worried. I firmly believed that we were meant to be together and everything would workout in the end.

With this in mind, I decided to adopt a 'long game’ strategy: SG could do whatever she needed to do in the short term (line 2) so long as she could “make some room for me” in the end because, as she would find out in time (line 4), I would prove right all along (line 5). Neither of us could fight the forces of fate. We’d be ‘fine’. (line 6)

***

Verse 2

Oh shit, look, now you’ve gone and got married

I don’t think that was in the script (Oh, no)

We shook the ground and then you just carried on

But your the best and I attest I’ll never rest until the tables are flipped

***

Now, given that I genuinely thought me and SG were “meant” to be together and believed we would eventually end up together, despite how much bad luck we’d had in trying to make it happen over the years, you might be able to appreciate that the message “I have news… Dude proposed…” was one of the hardest collections of words I’ve ever had to digest. And perhaps even harder to process the fact that she was soon after actually married. The veil, the vows, the whole kit and caboodle. It was genuinely like an “oh, shit!”, penny drop lightbulb moment. (line 1)

My mind was like a broken record playing the same thought again and again and again: “But, that wasn’t supposed to happen.” (line 2) I simply couldn’t get my head around the gravity and finality of this revelation. “But what about this thing that happened, and what about that thing she said etc. Time stood still when we were together. The ground shook beneath us. (line 3) Surely she couldn’t just forget all of that? Surely this is some sort of cruel joke. Surely I’m dreaming.”

The confusion then gave way not quite to rage, but delusional determination. Maybe even denial: "They may be engaged but they’re not married! It’s not over until it’s over! She’s “the one”! I can’t just let her go. It’s fate, and I swear I won’t stop until all is set right.” (line 4)

***

Bridge

In light of what’s occurred, I need to say (to say)

You might have just incurred a big mistake (mistake)

‘Cause now you've said your vows and still I live ten thousand miles away

Can we just call it a day?

***

The bridge was SO FRUSTRATING to write. I think I went through 3 other chord progressions before I settled on the one that made it to the final version.

It refers to a few months after SG gets married to Dude and we’d resumed our usual volley of messages every few days and Skype sessions every few weeks.

I think when you truly love someone you want the best for them regardless of whether or not that involves you. So, of course — and I mean this wholeheartedly — I wish them every happiness. However, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think she’d made a mistake. (line2)

The first reason for this was the presence of complex family dynamics, and the fact that SG was bored as batshit in her job. On top of this, she despised the tiny little UK town in which she lived and had always planned to move abroad as soon as it was feasible to do so. In addition, and perhaps most importantly, I believed that we were meant to be together so, given the fact that she was now married to someone else, she’d clearly made an error. duh!

Despite thinking all of these things, and once proclaiming that I wouldn’t “rest until the tables are flipped”, I still fully respected the sanctity of marriage. It didn’t matter that I thought she’d made the wrong choice she obviously thought she’d made the right one. “Boyfriend" is one thing. “Husband" is another, and as time went on I began to feel that continuing to talk with SG the way we always had simply wasn’t right. If I was her husband I’d be fuming and want it to stop.

So after wresting with the thought in my mind for what seemed like an eternity, I finally pulled the trigger and told SG that I thought we should cut ties. (line 4)

She basically just said “no.” and that was that. [*Now, granted my morals kicked in much earlier and I actually tried to cut communication before she got married, but I felt it was still an important shift in sentiment to include in the song.

***

Final Verse

Wish sometimes I could have a wee glance at

What has been written in the stars

But what is life if you never take chances? Oh

So hear my voice, you’ve got a choice, so let’s rejoice and take a rocket to Mars

***

Ye olde final verse ay?

I’ll admit this verse would’ve made more sense in the original 2011 version when the future was much more open-ended and it was still possible the we would end up together. Line 1 and 2 would’ve been me wondering what the future had in store for us, and wishing I could’ve had a little look to see what was going to happen. Line 3 would’ve been a sudden realisation that I didn’t have to just sit on my hands and hope it would happen, I could take a chance, do something crazy, try to make it happen and find out one way or another. Textbook YOLO mentality.

But if I were to map the verse onto the final version, it would refer to some time after SG’s married when the dust has settled. The game was well and truly over, I’d accepted all of that and have, for all intents and purposes, moved on. I wasn’t crying on my bedroom floor or lamenting the loss of my soulmate or anything like that. Music had taken over my life and I barely even thought about the whole thing anymore. But every now and then SG would come to mind, and even though she was married and happy and all the rest, a tiny little part of me STILL wondered what the future had in store for us, and how I wished I could’ve just had a little peep in the Book of Fate to see what was written inside it. I guess in that context, Line 4 and 5 was sort of my irrational 2016-17 post-marriage mindset way of saying that if SG ever felt like she’d made the wrong decision; if she ever wished she could wind back the clock and walk down the isle with me instead, I would’ve probably said “yes”. Sure, it would’ve been a gamble; a massive shot in the dark, but "what is life if you never take chances?”. Boring and disappointing, that’s what. She did have a choice — however hard it would’ve been to make — which could’ve led to us living happily ever after (line 4).