MISS BEHAVIN’

Part 3

Fearing that my life with SG was slipping through my fingers, I began to think of what I could do to communicate and demonstrate how strongly I felt about her and about us. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her forever, but at the same time I wanted to respect that she was in a relationship with someone else. I didn’t want to be the other guy. I wanted to be the guy. 

I gut told me this was a make or break moment. So on 9/2/15, I hand-wrote SG a letter to lay it all on the line. I started with a recount of the night we met at Sidebar in 2010 (the bulk of which formed the basis of chapter 1 - Fate - which you can read here when you finish with this piece), then I wrote this: (again, a condensed version)

“SG,

That night remains one of the most memorable of my life. And the month that followed - equally unforgettable. You can believe what you like, but I just can't accept that our paths crossed by chance. The fact that we've spent less than 3 weeks face to face, have planned and scrapped a thousand trips, didn't talk for an entire year and STILL can chat for hours that pass in the blink of an eye honestly blows me away…"

I told her that my top goals for 2015 were 1. Strengthen bonds with Mum, brother and her. 2. Crash tackle her in an airport. I said that I intended to keep them a secret until they happened but had chosen to reveal them now because I feared that it could soon be too late for us (due to the presence of Dude). Then this: 

"You see (SG), at the end of last year (2014) I did a lot of reflecting, a lot of planning and a LOT of thinking about what I REALLY wanted in my life. Amoung all the things you already know about; music, family, success, travel, there was one more, and that is you. Whether (or not) you feel the same is another matter, but SG, I honestly believe you are an essential part of my life… And why say all of this now? Well, these aren't exactly new thoughts. But I can't help but feel I'm running out of time. Ever since we started Skyping YEARS ago, there's just been something else - connection that I don't think you or I completely understand. Where we say nothing but everything at the same time. I was so confident that in those moments where we're speaking the same language, so confident that you felt exactly what I felt, but now I'm not so sure... I've made you a major priority in my life and I think I've finally realised that we're not quite on the same page in that respect.

Now, I don't know how I expect you to respond. I don't know if writing this is the best idea I’ve ever had, or the worst mistake I'll ever make. But I DO know that whatever happens next, it was definitely worth the risk because, I've never thought of you as "just a friend", nor have I ever considered you to be "more than a friend"… you're SG. The one, and only, SG.

I think we've got a few things to talk about, let me know when you're ready.

Happy 5 years Plonker. Love always,

Cal xoxo"

After reading it a dozen times to make sure it all made sense, I popped the letter in an envelope and, along with a lonely planet for Sri Lanka, sent it off to the UK with specific instructions written on the parcel not to open until it March 5th — the 5th anniversary of us meeting. 

14/2/15 - I tell SG to keep an eye on the mail for something coming in the next couple of weeks.

* * *

**I’ve also chosen not to write about this much because it’s not the focus of the story, but I think it’s still worth mentioning that throughout the time that followed the day SG and I reconnected on 4/4/2013 — which was coincidentally the day I signed the contract for my first Physiotherapy job out of uni — I progressively came to loathe my profession more and more. Not only did the whole thing feel like a sham (I’ll spare you the full rant for another time) and the nursing home I was working in was old + depressing AF, I felt that it was stealing the most valuable hours from me; hours that I should’ve been spending on music. The scenario as I saw it was this: I would get to work at 8am, have a coffee and be all pistons firing until lunchtime. After that my energy, focus and drive would fade so much that by the time I got home from work and could finally practice DJing and making music, there was nothing left in the tank. I thought that if I only had a job where I started work in the afternoon and went into the evening, I’d be able to get up early and use those precious morning hours for the most important thing — music. Then I could just drag myself through work when my energy is low because I had external accountability. Once I had that thought, I couldn’t let go of it and from that point I think I was already moving for the exit, which is probably evidence by the following message:

20/2/15 - "Want to quit so bad… Looking for pub jobs atm”

And then less than 2 weeks later:

1/3/15 - "Handed in my letter of resignation on Friday...Last day on March 26th” 

5/3/15 - SG reads the anniversary letter. My heart is in my mouth. She says "You write very well... If music doesn't work out, you should think about a career in writing… But yes there's lots to say.. and I have no idea when we'll be able to Skype.. arghhh…” I tell her to take her time to think and digest, when she was ready to talk I’d be ready… SG says the earliest we can Skype to talk is 2 weeks away. 

2 weeks pass and she asks for another 2. We lock in Monday March 30th.

15/3/15 - I announce that I've got a job stacking shelves at a nearby supermarket to pay the bills while I focus on music - putting my money where my mouth is. No start date confirmed. 

28/3/15 - I attend an old friends wedding on a macadamia farm in the hinterland near Byron Bay and, after a few too many champagnes, have a heart-to-heart about the whole SG situation with my oldest friend (mates since we were toddlers). Standing under a starlit sky, swaying to and fro because the booze had compromised our balance, my mate tells me to go get her! I resolve to do just that.

Monday 30/3/2015 - I’m back in Sydney from the wedding. It’s my first day of “freedom” from the shackles of my Physio job. I had so many things I could have done and actually wanted to do, but there was only thing I could think about — SKYPE — as today was the day our fateful conversation was set to take place; the one where SG would tell me what she thought of my make or break letter.

What happens next is quite literally one of the best parts of the story, and you can read all bout it in Part 4.